Solitude, Silence & Reflection

First day on Clinical Rotations - ER

It is HOT here in Illinois this summer.

I don't remember ever having experienced 94% humidity before now, but it's like stepping into a natural sauna. I had no idea air could be so wet.

I am in my second year of PA school! Yay! This means clinical rotations, which have been so much fun. I actually see & treat patients and get to do hands on learning. (watch out...)

SOLITUDE
Brian and I finally took some time to hike the kayak down to Lake Michigan and just paddle toward the horizon, I had completely forgotten what silence sounded like. I just finished my first end of rotation exam, which had been an awful humbling experience. I had ignored all other responsibilities for at least a week studying for this exam - and it was finally over. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  It was so refreshing & beautiful to get away!

SILENCE

In life I get so caught up in the noise. The constant rush of cars, the constant blur of assignments, studying, exams, cleaning, dishes, laundry, training, there is so much noise! It is a rare moment that I am able to experience true and beautiful silence and reflect on my life.  Sitting in the middle of the lake looking out across the endless blue I saw what seems like eternity, the constant ebb and flow of life.  Looking back at the land I could see all my responsibilities, I saw the noise of the city, the cares of the world. I saw life more simply and it was beautiful.

REFLECTION

I wondered to myself -- What do I want out of life? When people talk about "what they want to do when they grow up," and they are usually talking about a job of some sort.  Brian has even told me, "you are lucky you know what you want to do when you grow up!" And in a way, I am very happy to (almost) be a physician assistant. I love patient care, I love the puzzle, the relationship, the science and how it all beautifully fits together. I am lucky to have a job that I love.

And all along that is what I thought I wanted to be "when I grow up." And it still is, I love it and I don't regret a thing. But what I realized is that I won't be "grown up" when I get that diploma. I still want more.

Every time I see a family, a mother holding her child or a dad comforting his daughter or playing catch with his son -- I look at that and say, "Now, that.... that is what I want to be when I grow up." It was beautiful to me to realize that at the center of life, all business & noise, the most important and meaningful thing to me is Family. I can't ever let the noise crowd that out.